It was only quite recently that I recognised the problem in my life is BDD. I had previously been placed in psychiatric care and labelled as a manic depressive, although the depression was the most prevalent state that I found myself in. I believe that my BDD developed specifically from childhood teasing. Now, the experts tend to see this as a factor which does not shape the disorder on its own, and this may well be the case for some people, but I feel that the severity of the verbal bullying that I endured as a child, directly led to my development of this disorder. Consequently there have been psychotic elements involved in my ongoing problem - anger at others for precipitating the problem, and anger and hatred of myself for allowing it to happen and essentially developing into a victim in adult life. What I find more troubling, is the abuse that I have received as an adult, from other adults, which has drastically reinforced the problem and led to confrontation in some social situations. While BDD is crippling in itself, there are issues that compound the problem…namely coming to realise that other members of the human race can be outright cruel and despicable, even in adult life. When comments are made directly to you, regarding your appearance, it essentially confirms everything that you suspect on a daily basis. However, I must say this - many of the people who have made direct comments to me regarding my facial appearance, have themselves, in my opinion, been short-changed by the angels of aesthetics….basically, they were ugly people, both inside and out.
However, the damage has been done. So how do I know for sure that I suffer from BDD?
I came across an article about the disorder, and recognised some behaviour patterns of the people described in it, as being alarmingly similar to some of my own. I used to obsess over my appearance, to the point of staring in mirrors for hours on end, constantly looking for that one moment or angle, where I might hopefully see something that was not hideous and malformed.

The childhood teasing I suffered was related to the size of a particular facial feature; I received daily abuse from many children at school, and being shy and introverted as a child (as I was also bullied quite badly by my older half-brother, who is 6 years my senior). He also focussed his abuse on my particular facial feature, which doubled the trouble, so-to-speak.

Unable to prevent the ongoing verbal abuse throughout my school years (We are talking persistent verbal abuse for 5 years or more), I began to sink into deep insecurity and self-consciousness regarding my appearance. I vividly remember staring in the mirror for hours at a time, unable to leave the house, often missing meetings with friends as a result. However, I would not say that the disorder was crippling for me as a teenager and young adult. I maintained good and important friendships throughout my adolescence, although I recognised in myself an intense shyness and very high level of self-consciousness. The most damaging effect of the childhood abuse is the persistent recurrence of negative memories and images associated with those memories….Moments of abuse, or particular comments by certain people became forever etched in my mind, and these memories will recur from time to time, to reinforce my negative perceptions about myself…it may be one guy's face, or a particular comment will just pop into my head and repeat itself over and over. One of the worst incidents occurred in my adult life. In my twenties, I worked in the summer on a building site, before going back to university. There were some particularly nasty people on this site who drew a picture on a piece of metal! (of all things)…The picture was obviously related to my facial feature and was accompanied with some unpleasant language (However!! Let me say this with all honesty….the two lads responsible - and I know it was them - were not good looking in the slightest, and from what I could gather, they were very ugly, 2 or 3 out of 10 at the most).

Nevertheless, events like this have damaged me in the long run, because it has reinforced all the worst thoughts that I have about myself - If people can go to so much trouble to make you aware how they think, then what must everyone else be saying about it?) I feel quite saddened by that particular event, it was needless, and despite the two ugly sods own facial problems, I was severely disheartened by it and it made me believe that everyone was definitely aware of my facial defect, and prepared even to go to great lengths to make me feel bad about it (by writing on pieces of sheet metal and leaving it lying around!). That in itself was unusual behaviour, and the oddness of it has led to an increased level of self-consciousness on my part. Even when I recognise the facial shortcomings of people who have made comments, this still does not act as a consolation.

I also tend to ignore the positive comments that I have received. I have had many relationships with members of the opposite sex, many of whom were considered to be attractive, and definitely in demand by the male populace. Nevertheless, any and all good comments do not tend to alleviate the problem of BDD. They were perhaps just desperate for companionship or something, making-do with inferior 'goods', so-to-speak…anything but physically attracted towards me. All the positive comments have somehow been eclipsed by the weight of the childhood trauma that has convinced me that I am essentially a freak of nature, a complete monster, physically abhorrent and hideous. It is very difficult to shake off these negative beliefs. After reading the article where I first recognised that I suffer from BDD, I followed the behaviour of one guy…his doctor or therapist recommended that he stop using mirrors completely…go cold turkey. The guy commented that he followed this advice and eventually he managed to stop his mirror gazing and completely forget what he looked like! He commented that he in fact NEEDED to forget what he looked like, in order to get on and lead a more productive and less debilitating existence. I have been mirror gazing constantly since the year ZERO, right up until my 32nd year on earth. I stopped using mirrors completely about six months ago, and I must say that I am far less concerned with my facial defect, although it still causes me anxiety and I do tend to wear sunglasses when I can, And use hats to hide my face. I think that the intensity of the verbal abuse I have received throughout my childhood, and even into adult life (including the not so distant past, even from a close family member)…well this has precipitated the BDD…which I made worse in previous years by seeking solace in alcohol and drugs (I have been clean on that front for well over 5 years, I do not even drink alcohol anymore, nor do I smoke). Nevertheless, the self consciousness and anxiety will always be there I believe, but now that I recognise exactly what my condition is, there is some element of relief and a little more hope that I can get a decent lever on it, and sop it from completely destroying my life. That would be tragic. So to all of you who recognise something of yourself in my story here, remember that there is always hope, and that there is no shame in getting help to alleviate what in my opinion, is a disorder that most definitely can result from the cruelty of childhood. Please don't let it ruin your life, and remember this…All those people who have helped to precipitate your disorder are themselves either A) aesthetically challenged or B) spiritually redundant, or BOTH!! Keep up the good fight! and in the final analysis, it does not really matter what you look like, it's the strength and radiance of your soul that counts (think about how the ultra beautiful people in the media think and behave! Some of them are overgrown toddlers with not one ounce of genuine soul power or charisma, who trade purely on a superficial and aesthetic level of intellectual poverty).

As someone who has BDD, I know that stuff like that may sound hollow, but you would do well to place it uppermost in your mind, as you battle with this condition.

Jan